The Scariest Thing on the Internet Isn’t AI — It’s Dating After 50
They say Halloween is for horror stories — but trust me, nothing’s more terrifying than logging into a dating app after menopause. Forget vampires and ghosts; I’m out here facing pink robes, shirtless selfies, and enough red flags to start my own parade.
This is Menopause & Malarkey: 👻Halloween Edition🎃— where we dissect three truly haunting specimens from the digital dating graveyard. 🧟
Spoiler alert: the dogs were innocent; the men, not so much. 🐾
When you’ve been on the apps long enough, you start to see patterns — and not the good kind. The men, the lighting, the mysterious “recently separated” energy. So, for the sake of science (and the sisterhood), I began documenting the most alarming cases.
What follows are three prime suspects in the ongoing investigation I call Silence of the Swipes.
🧬 The Specimens
Specimen One: Bobbie — The Pink-Robe Phantom
They say you should never judge a book by its cover, but in this case, the cover was a pink bathrobe — and the book was a crime thriller.
Bobbie appeared one chilly Monday morning, smiling from the depths of what I can only describe as “dimly lit concern.” Pink robe. Little dog. One swipe shy of hearing, “It puts the lotion on its skin.”
I don’t know what Bobbie was going for — cozy retiree? Dateline extra? Maybe “retired villain with a Yorkie”? Whatever it was, I slept with the lights on that night.
Specimen Two: Benjamin — The Bathroom Flexer
Then there’s Benjamin — a rare hybrid of midlife crisis and misplaced confidence. His natural habitat? The bathroom mirror. His camouflage? Sunglasses. Indoors.
The man’s profile photo screamed protein shake and poor decisions. One picture — just one — all bicep, no context. I zoomed in hoping for clues: wedding ring tan, countertop clutter, maybe a hostage note in the background. Nothing. Just Benjamin, flexing at the mirror like it owed him money.
If there were ever a cautionary tale about self-love gone rogue, Benjamin is Exhibit A.
Specimen Three: Sal — The Sleeveless Suspect
And finally, we have Sal — a man whose entire profile radiated the energy of a police lineup. Sleeveless shirt, glare that said “these weren’t taken voluntarily,” and a backdrop that looked one fluorescent bulb short of an interrogation room.
His bio read, “I’m just a simple guy looking for a good woman.”
Sir, that may be true, but based on this lighting, I’m also 80% sure you’re wanted in at least two states and a county fair.
Adding to the intrigue? A tiny Chihuahua named Rambo. Cute, yes — but I’m fairly certain that dog has seen things.
🕵️♀️ Case Closed
After careful analysis — and by “analysis,” I mean wine, screenshots, and several texts to friends that began with “you will not believe this” — I’ve reached a few conclusions.
First: there is no algorithm strong enough to filter out weird.
Second: there should be a public-service announcement about profile lighting.
And third: if the photo makes you feel like you’ve accidentally wandered into a true-crime reenactment, trust your gut. Swipe left, grab some chocolate, and never settle.
Because while the ghosts of Dating App Past may still rattle their chains, I’m here with sage, sarcasm, and two sweet dogs who know a villain when they see one.
Until next time, stay sharp, stay sassy, and remember — the dogs are innocent. The men? Still under investigation. 🕯️🐾
Filed under Menopause & Malarkey — Heather Kight: midlife mischief-maker, dog mom, and sworn enemy of shirtless selfies.
Menopause & Malarkey 