Law & Disorder

March 6, 2026March 6, 2026 Heather KightLeave a comment

It’s here.

Red Flag Friday.🚩🚨

In my latest post Coming to a Friday Near You, I eluded to early morning eye rolls courtesy of an interested “match” on eHarmony.

I considered different titles for today’s hearing, such as:

“Premature Legal Briefs: Why Opening Arguments Matter.”

Or:

“When He Files a Motion Before Establishing Jurisdiction.”

Let’s examine the evidence.

In the world of online dating, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: those looking for meaningful connection and those who don’t know the meaning of connection. These are their stories.

Opening Statement
At 5:01 a.m., Attorney Daniel filed a motion to introduce himself with the line:

“I would enjoy being the under to your writer ;)”

Let me interject context:

I am a writer
I am also an Underwriting Assistant
Both facts are part of my dating profile

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to present undeniable facts that leave only one conclusion: the defendant is guilty of brandishing inappropriate flirtation prior to an acceptable greeting, a budding relationship, and — possibly most importantly — caffeine.

Exhibit A
The Wink.

Your Honor, the prosecution submits the wink emoji as evidence of premeditation.

Cross Examination
Timing.

We haven’t established jurisdiction, rapport, or even coffee.

Sir. I have no interest in seeing your legal briefs.

Closing Argument
A line like that used after multiple conversations and mutual safety might be playful.

As a first message, it’s grounds for immediate dismissal.

The Gavel Drops.
Daniel has been judged and disbarred.
The jury of his peers is a frat-house.
There will be no meeting in the judge’s chambers.
There will be no extended recess.

Verdict
Case closed.

Match closed.

Pancakes pending.

Court adjourned.

Coming To a Friday Near You

March 3, 2026March 3, 2026 Heather Kight1 Comment

As mentioned in my recent post, I haven’t spent time on the dating sites lately. The only active subscription I have is eHarmony — I let the others end with no regret. 👋

Last night I decided to log in out of morbid curiosity. Truly. I was watching a true crime documentary about couples who met online and one wound up deceased. 😳 I wasn’t looking for trouble. Just … looking.

Updating my profile and photos landed a message in my inbox, and at 5am I was greeted with …

To be continued on our next episode of 🚩Red Flag Friday!

Dating After Dignity · Menopause & Mischief · Red Flags & Walking Punchlines

Who Ordered the Word Salad?

January 9, 2026January 8, 2026 Heather KightLeave a comment

🚩 Brought to you by Red Flag Friday, where the specials are cheap and the apps are questionable.

When I was a kid, Mom sometimes fed us good old Campbell’s Alphabet Soup. The warmth, the comfort, the spelling lesson in the form of noodles. Good stuff – not simply because it was filling and tasted great when accompanied by a peanut butter sandwich. It was good because if we expected alphabet soup, we weren’t surprised to receive “word soup.”

However, when ordering from the dating app menu, there are times when the server brings me something I did not request. Part of the process is to send messages to people you want to know. Unfortunately, there are those who obviously didn’t read the not-so-fine print (a.k.a.: my profile) and want to order off-menu. Or perhaps, make enough changes to the dish that the chef throws her hands in the air and claims (in a very cheesy French accent), “I cannot work in such horrible conditions!”

Meet Derrick, a gentleman who swiped right on my profile last week. It was as if I ordered alphabet soup and instead, the waiter brought me a word salad. 🥗

*Please take a breath at some point in this sentence.*

Let’s translate this from Dating App Word Salad into plain English:

“I want someone I can trust and want to be trusted”
= I have no idea how trust is built, but I’d like it delivered immediately.
“Someone I can love and want to be loved”
= I have discovered the concept of mutual affection. Recently.
“I know where I’m at in life and I hope she do to.”
= Grammar has left the building, but expectations remain high.
“Time waits on noone”
= I will rush intimacy while claiming I’m not playing mind games.
“I want a natural woman without all the makeup.”
= I enjoy policing women’s appearances while offering zero commentary on my own.
“Who I go to sleep with is who I wake up with.”
= This sentence did not need to be here. At all. Ever.
“I’m not Denzel but I’m not Freddie Kruger either.”
= Sir. Those were not the only two options.
“Let’s keep it 100 and be 100.”
= I have reached the end of my motivational poster vocabulary.

Menopause & Malarkey official verdict:

This is not dangerous…
but it is exhausting.

It’s giving:

sincerity without self-awareness
pressure disguised as romance
and a faint whiff of “I will be confused when you have boundaries.”

Also, bonus Red Flag Friday note 🚩:
Any person that says “I’m not looking to play mind games” almost always plays emotional Jenga.

Menopause & Mischief · Red Flags & Walking Punchlines

Why Hide the Eyes?

January 6, 2026January 4, 2026 Heather KightLeave a comment

The Photos Mom Warned You About, Part II

Recently on Menopause & Malarkey … (click the cowboy)

Quite possibly a contender in the Peekaboo Olympics.

When crafting my last post, “The Photos Mom Warned You About,” I considered adding the following PSA on profile pics that purposely hide the peepers. Instead, jump right into this mini post! Enjoy!

👀 Why the Sunglasses / Hat Brim / Shadow Combo?

1. Eye contact requires accountability.
Eyes show:

sincerity
warmth
emotional availability

Hiding them says, “Please admire the accessories and ignore the soul.”

2. It’s a control move.
Covering the eyes creates mystery without earning it.
It’s the visual equivalent of:

“Trust me.”
… with no supporting documentation.

3. It’s insecurity dressed as swagger.
The logic seems to be:

“If you can’t see my eyes, you can’t judge me.”

Sir. It’s not sexy. It’s sus.

4. Dating apps are not witness protection.
You are not hiding from:

the cartel
the paparazzi
your past life as Jason Bourne

You are trying to meet one woman named Karen or Lisa who just wants coffee.

5. The trifecta effect 🚩🚩🚩
When hidden eyes appear alongside:

The Fish
The Flex
The Fedora

It’s not mystery anymore.
It’s avoidance.

Fishing for compliments

🧠 M&M Rule of Thumb:

If I can’t see your eyes,
I assume you’re hiding either:

your age
your intentions
or a personality that only functions after three beers

Final verdict:

Eyes matter.
They’re not optional.
And no amount of reflective lenses will make up for the absence of self-awareness.

Menopause & Mischief · Red Flags & Walking Punchlines

The Photos Mom Warned You About 🚩

January 5, 2026January 4, 2026 Heather KightLeave a comment

A Menopause & Malarkey Field Guide

The Photos Mom Warned You About
🚩 Dating App Edition
Menopause & Malarkey

Whilst perusing through Match profiles, I landed on one that caught my eye.
Not because he was, as my daughter says, “not ugly.”
Not because his bio was charming. (It consisted of one sentence. That’s it.)
Not because my heart skipped a beat.

It was because if you looked up “The most overused profile pictures men use on the dating apps” in M&M’s Guidebook to Swiping Left — this gentleman would be the poster boy.

The Fish 🐟

All I can think is, “Teach a man to fish.”
I have no clue as to how that relates to dating.

The fish is not the problem.
The grip, the pose, and the “this defines me” energy are.

If your personality requires gills, we are not compatible.

The Flex 💪

Yes, we see your biceps.
No, we do not see your eyes.

Mirror.
Tank top.
Lighting from the underworld.

Sir, I did not ask to attend your workout performance review.

The Fedora 🎩

Was it too bright outside? Did you forget your sunglasses? Have pinkeye?

Ah yes.
The fedora.

Often paired with:
• a bathroom
• a vest
• confidence disproportionate to reality

This hat has seen things. None of them were good decisions.

The Combo Meal Nobody Ordered ☠️

The unholy trifecta … bless his heart.

When The Fish, The Flex, and The Fedora appear in the same profile…

That’s not coincidence.
That’s a warning label.

The Real Issue

This isn’t about looks.
It’s about self-awareness.

If every photo screams “Please be impressed,”
I already know I’ll be tired.

M&M Rule

If you wouldn’t send the photo to your daughter,
your sister,
or your mother…

Maybe don’t make it your dating profile.

In Conclusion …

Dating apps are not a costume party.
You do not need props.

Just clarity.
Effort.
And at least one photo in which I can see your eyes.

— Menopause & Malarkey

Dating After Dignity · Menopause & Mischief · Red Flags & Walking Punchlines

🚩 Red Flag Friday: The Department of “Government”

December 26, 2025 Heather KightLeave a comment

Welcome back to Menopause & Malarkey, where it’s Friday night, dinner’s been eaten and dogs are sleepin’, and once again… the internet has audacity.

Tonight’s specimen arrived wrapped in good looks, thoughtful prompts, and the emotional vocabulary of someone who clearly owns at least one throw pillow.

He laughs at inside jokes.
Believes in loyalty.
Loves deeply.
Builds real connections.
Even listed The Grapes of Wrath as a favorite book.
I paused. I considered. I adjusted my glasses.

Then I saw his employment.

Government.

Just… Government.
Not city, not state, not federal.

Not “I work for the county and complain about meetings.”
Just Government—like a manila folder with secrets inside.

🚩 Flag raised.

But wait—there’s more.

Within moments, I received a message that read (and I paraphrase only slightly):

“Hello Heather, I would love to get to know you better and maybe become friends or more. Please contact me immediately via Gmail or WhatsApp.”

Ah yes.
Ye olde eHarmony-to-WhatsApp migration.
A classic move straight out of the Scammer Starter Kit.

Side-by-side illustration of an online dating red flag. One side shows a charming, well-dressed man reading The Grapes of Wrath with a glass of wine by a cozy fireplace. The other side reveals the same man as a hoodie-wearing scammer juggling a phone, laptop, and cash. Caption contrasts “What he wants you to think” versus “But in reality.” — *Red Flag Friday reminder: nice photos don’t equal nice intentions.*

Let’s review the Red Flags, shall we?
🚩 Employment listed as “Government”
🚩 Immediate request to move off the platform
🚩 Email + WhatsApp combo platter
🚩 Phone number typed like a Sudoku puzzle
🚩 Not a single reference to my actual profile
🚩 Polite, generic, emotionally fluent… and entirely hollow

This, my friends, is why the phrase, “Not today, Satan” was invented.

Handsome? Yes.
Convincing? Almost.
Genuine? Absolutely not.

Here’s the thing:
We are not cynical—we are experienced.
We are not bitter—we are efficient.
And we are no longer entertaining men whose profiles read like romance novels but whose intentions collapse under basic scrutiny.

So tonight’s Red Flag Friday reminder is this:
✨ If his employment could not be verified by Google, LinkedIn, or common sense…
✨ If he wants to flee the app faster than a bra at the end of the day 🏆
✨ If his message could have been sent to 47 other women named Heather
—then bless him, block him, and move on.

Graphic with white text on a charcoal background reading, “Bless him, block him, and move on.” Menopause & Malarkey watermark in the corner.

Because we are not lonely.
We are discerning.
And our BS detectors are fully operational.

Happy Red Flag Friday, ladies and gents. See you next week—same sass, fewer scams. 😏🚩

Menopause & Mischief · Red Flags & Walking Punchlines

Red Flag Friday Presents: A License to Chill

December 19, 2025December 18, 2025 Heather KightLeave a comment

Mind Your Business, Mr. Bond

Every now and then, the apps present a man who seems less like a potential date and more like an audition tape.

Ladies, meet:
“The Man Who Wants You to Say ‘Hi’ — and Nothing Else.”

🎩 The Photos

We’re treated to a three-act visual experience:

Formal suit, pocket square, intense stare
– James Bond energy
– But like… the villain who gets caught monologuing
Tuxedo at night, harsh lighting
– Not “date night”
– Very much “last known photo before the plot twist”
Car selfie with eyes that say “You noticed me.”
– Sir. I did not ask to be noticed this way.

A dramatic black-and-white, film noir–style portrait of a middle-aged man in a tuxedo, staring intensely into the camera under low lighting. The image evokes classic crime drama and mystery, with a moody, ominous tone. — *If your profile makes me wonder whether my body would be discovered by hikers or fishermen… that’s a no.*

The Bio (Where Things Take a Turn)

Let’s highlight a few selections from the Gentleman’s Handbook of Red Flags:

“My love language is quality time and physical touch.”
Translation: If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the touch.

“I give awesome hugs and am a great kisser 💋”
I expected to see, “References provided upon request.”

“Let’s not learn everything about one another right now.”
Based on what I’ve read thus far, you’d rather take your lip balm for a test run.

“If you’re just looking for a chat buddy, I’m not the one.”
Oh, honey, you’re not “the one” for so many reasons.

🧳 Occupation:

Professional at: Mind Your Business

In the immortal words of renowned philosopher Charles Brown: “Good grief.”

Final Verdict

This is not James Bond.
This is not the hero.
This is the guy Bond throws off a balcony in Monaco while adjusting his cufflinks.

Carry on, Moneypenny. 🍸

Dating After Dignity · Menopause & Mischief · Red Flags & Walking Punchlines

🚩Red Flag Friday: The Keith Sweat-ing Glamour Cowboy Edition🤠

December 5, 2025December 5, 2025 Heather Kight2 Comments

Brought to you by Menopause & Malarkey — where the flags are many and the patience is limited.

Ladies… I present to you a man who is:

“Boss at Self-Employed”
(Translation: The boss, the employee, the HR department, and also currently on an unpaid lunch break… indefinitely.)

80 miles away but behaving like we’re all just out here ready to road-trip for romance like it’s 1995.

And — be still my heart — his entire music section is Keith Sweat.
Not a sprinkle.
Not a vibe.
Not a nostalgic “one song on a playlist.”
No, ma’am.
Keith. Sweat. Or. Bust.
This man is out here preparing to beg somebody through a cassette deck.

But wait… the photos.

Ohhh, the photos.

We have:

• The Glamour Cowboy:
A wide-brimmed hat, aviators, and a shirt so bright it’s gotta wear shades.
He’s giving “Line dancing at noon, sermon at three, vibes by Keith Sweat at five.”

• The Close-Up That Didn’t Need to Be a Close-Up:
Half a forehead.
Part of a visor.
A sprinkle of existential dread.
Thank you for this offering.

• The Truck Cab Philosophical Hour:
“Cool drama free cool as a fan”
(Sir… you wrote “cool” twice. And for that reason alone, I have questions.)

And yet — YET — the best part?

He proudly lists Beauty as an interest.

BEAUTY.
Dude, you are Keith-Sweat-ing in a Ford F-150 with an Instagram filter from 2013.

—

Verdict:

🚩🚩🚩MULTIPACK RED FLAGS.
We’re talking Costco-level quantities.

Would I swipe right?
No.

Would I make a meme out of him?
Already did.

Some men come with careers, ambition, and financial stability.
Others come with Keith Sweat, a cowboy hat, and a mysterious lack of tax documents.
Choose wisely. 😔🔥

Menopause & Mischief · Red Flags & Walking Punchlines

Meanwhile, Back in Reality

November 26, 2025November 26, 2025 Heather KightLeave a comment

MENOPAUSE & MALARKEY PRESENTS:

“Meanwhile, Back in Reality…”

A Study in False Advertising

Tell me why Facebook is out here asking:

“Are you 50+ and looking to find a man?”

*It’s like the Stepford Wives of Silver Foxes!*

…then presenting me with a lineup that looks like a casting couch for:

The Latest James Bond Sequel
The Brawny Paper Towel Guy
The “Intimately Beckham” Cologne Ads

Let’s analyze this Bait & Switch.

Age 50–58 👨🏻‍🦱

Looks like he makes $300K a year building custom log cabins with nothing but a hatchet and a heart of gold.
REALITY CHECK:
My matches are men who wear Viking masks and brag about being STD-free.

Age 59–67 👱🏻‍♂️

Sir looks like he whispers in French, sings like Josh Turner, and restores vintage motorcycles on weekends.
REALITY CHECK:
The actual 59–67 demographic on Facebook Dating posts selfies featuring bathroom sinks, upshots of nostrils, and pillows as backdrops.

Age 68–73 🧓🏻

This man looks like early-retirement perfection: resides in his mountainside cabin beside a lake, tours wineries around the world, and doles affection on his seven grandchildren, who lovingly call him “Pop-Pop.”
REALITY CHECK:
Tell me why the REAL 68–73s message me “Your smile is my new favorite view” at before 5am, coffee, or a simple, “Hello.”

Age 73–85 👴🏻

He looks like he reads novels on his sunlit balcony, knows how to dance the tango, and makes 80 look like the new 50.
REALITY CHECK:
The only 70-somethings I get wear shirts that are sleeveless, have smiles that are toothless, and use photos that are from 1985. (And they definitely don’t look like Sam Elliott or Sean Connery.)

🌟 CONCLUSION

These men are AI-generated delusions meant to lure us into yet another dating site.
They do not exist.
They have never existed.
They are the enigmas known as:

“Senior Silver Foxus Perfectus.”

Meanwhile, Facebook Dating is serving me:

Señor Modelo
Tony who bathes with his dog
Men who take selfies from under their chin
Men who list “mammals” as an interest

TalkNest, don’t play with me.

Menopause & Mischief · Red Flags & Walking Punchlines

🔥 M&M: The Case of the Almost-Perfect Candidate … Until …

November 24, 2025 Heather KightLeave a comment

Ladies… gather ‘round.
Because today’s roast is brought to you by:

Hope.
Disappointment.
And a man who went from “ooh la-la” to “oh no, no” in two seconds flat.

Let me set the scene:
Facebook Dating serves me up a cutie pie. (Who, by the way, was categorized as a “perfect match.”)
Not “eh, he’ll do.”
Not “maybe if the light is forgiving.”

No.
This one was legit cute:

Good smile
Local
Normal hobbies
Age-appropriate
No up-the-nose or on-the-bed selfies
Looked like his mother raised him with soap and manners

I thought,
“Well butter my biscuit and call me hopeful…”

For a few glorious minutes, I believed.

Then—
THEN—

Sir Flirt-a-Lot answered the prompt:

“What’s your favorite time of day?”
with:

✨😏 “SEXY TIME” 😏✨

Right above the “My shades are cool, and my abs are hot” topless beach pic.

SIR.
There I was, enjoying your adorable grin, your puppy photo, your backyard sunshine…
And suddenly you hit me with a whiplash-inducing combo of:

“Look how sweet and normal I am!”
followed immediately by
“HERE ARE MY PECS AND MY INTENTIONS.”

*So close and yet so far … off the mark.*

Let me be extremely clear:

SEXY TIME
…is not a time of day.
It is an ick.
A category.
A hazard.
A sign from the heavens that says:
“Abort mission, Heather. This man has no internal editor.”

You know what it felt like?

Like I ordered a Chick-fil-A sandwich and halfway through found a live scorpion wearing sunglasses. 🕶️

Everything was perfect.
I was rooting for him.
ROOTING.
And then—
like a child in the church Christmas program repeating the cuss word Mommy muttered earlier—
he proudly typed:

SEXY.
TIME.

With the emoji. 😏
THE EMOJI.

I went from:
😌 “Oh wow, what a cutie.”
to
🫠 “Sir, why?”
to
💀 “We cannot date. Ever.”

in 0.4 seconds.

Like… why do they DO this?

Why is it that right when I’m thinking,
“Ohhh, he seems normal,”
a man will suddenly fling out the word SEXY TIME like he chose “Inappropriate Pick-up Lines for 100, Alex” on Jeopardy.

It’s always when you least expect it.

He’s giving:
• Golden Retriever energy
• Family-man vibes
• Would help you carry in the groceries
• Might even remember your birthday

In reality, he’s:
• Answering normal prompts with unnecessary levels of testosterone
• Displaying more sweat and sunscreen than any photo should capture
• Abandoning all filters and foresight
• Utilizing “the ole bait ‘n switch” to perfection

Instant downgrade to:

🏅 Honorable Mention:

The Almost That Absolutely Isn’t.

Because here’s the truth:

A man can look like sweet tea and sunshine…
but if “sexy time” is his favorite time of day?
Sir, you may exit (in true Beyoncé fashion) — to the left, to the left.