It’s here.
Red Flag Friday.🚩🚨
In my latest post Coming to a Friday Near You, I eluded to early morning eye rolls courtesy of an interested “match” on eHarmony.
I considered different titles for today’s hearing, such as:
“Premature Legal Briefs: Why Opening Arguments Matter.”
Or:
“When He Files a Motion Before Establishing Jurisdiction.”
Let’s examine the evidence.
In the world of online dating, the people are represented by two separate yet equally important groups: those looking for meaningful connection and those who don’t know the meaning of connection. These are their stories.
Opening Statement
At 5:01 a.m., Attorney Daniel filed a motion to introduce himself with the line:
“I would enjoy being the under to your writer ;)”
Let me interject context:
- I am a writer
- I am also an Underwriting Assistant
- Both facts are part of my dating profile
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, allow me to present undeniable facts that leave only one conclusion: the defendant is guilty of brandishing inappropriate flirtation prior to an acceptable greeting, a budding relationship, and — possibly most importantly — caffeine.
Exhibit A
The Wink.
Your Honor, the prosecution submits the wink emoji as evidence of premeditation.
Cross Examination
Timing.
We haven’t established jurisdiction, rapport, or even coffee.
Sir. I have no interest in seeing your legal briefs.
Closing Argument
A line like that used after multiple conversations and mutual safety might be playful.
As a first message, it’s grounds for immediate dismissal.
The Gavel Drops.
Daniel has been judged and disbarred.
The jury of his peers is a frat-house.
There will be no meeting in the judge’s chambers.
There will be no extended recess.
Verdict
Case closed.
Match closed.
Pancakes pending.
Court adjourned.
©️ 2026 Heather Nicole Kight. All rights reserved.
Menopause & Malarkey 