Department of Romantic Eligibility
Menopause & Malarkey
Form HD-001 | Preliminary Screening
NOTICE TO ALL APPLICANTS:
Thank you for your interest in dating Heather. Before proceeding, please review the following minimum qualifications.
This application has been developed in response to recent incidents involving bathroom fixtures, unsolicited anatomical photography, and an alarming lack of reading comprehension.
We regret that such a document has become necessary.
Actually, no. We regret nothing.
SECTION I: MINIMUM QUALIFICATIONS
Please check each box to confirm your understanding.
☐ Bathroom Photography: I understand that toilets, urinals, and other plumbing fixtures should not be prominently featured in my dating profile photographs.
☐ Anatomical Restraint: I will not send unsolicited photographs of appendages below the belt. I further acknowledge that sweatpants are not a loophole.
☐ Conversational Skills: I am capable of asking questions that extend beyond “Are you still in bed?” and “You like to chat?”
☐ Reading Comprehension: I can read and comprehend written material above a first-grade level. I understand that dating profiles contain words, not merely decorative arrangements of letters surrounding photographs.
☐ Genuine Interest: I recognize that physical attraction and intellectual curiosity are not mutually exclusive. I can appreciate a woman’s appearance while simultaneously demonstrating interest in her personality, experiences, and opinions.
☐ Communication Etiquette: I understand that sending seventeen consecutive messages does not constitute a conversation.
☐ Personal Boundaries: I acknowledge that an unanswered message is not an invitation to increase the frequency, volume, or urgency of subsequent messages.
SECTION II: VERIFICATION OF HUMAN STATUS
Please select all squares containing traffic lights.
🚦 🌳 🚦
🏠 🚦 🚗
🌷 🚦 🐕
Failure to complete this exercise may result in your application being referred to the Department of Suspicious Behavior.
SECTION III: SHORT-ANSWER QUESTIONS
1. Name one thing you learned about Heather from reading her profile that does not involve her physical appearance.
Answer: ______________________________
2. Describe an appropriate question to ask someone you’re genuinely interested in getting to know.
Answer: ______________________________
3. You send a message. Heather does not immediately respond. What should you do?
☐ A. Send another message.
☐ B. Ask whether she’s still in bed.
☐ C. Send a photograph of your abdomen.
☐ D. Continue living your life and allow her to respond when she’s ready.
4. True or False: Sending a virtual rose entitles me to immediate attention, personal photographs, or a relationship.
☐ True
☐ False
SECTION IV: TERMS AND CONDITIONS
By submitting this application, I acknowledge the following:
- A dating profile is not a marriage proposal.
- Flirting is welcome when mutual. Harassment is not.
- An attractive photograph is not an invitation to submit photographic evidence of my enthusiasm.
- Coffee is a beverage, not a contractual agreement to share a bed.
- Heather reserves the right to laugh, decline, disengage, or block without providing a written explanation.
- All applicants are subject to a 90-day probationary period.
- References may be requested. Ex-wives need not apply as references unless specifically invited.
IMPORTANT: Completion of this application does not guarantee a date, a telephone number, or access to Heather’s bedroom window.
SECTION V: OFFICE USE ONLY
Applicant Name: ______________________
Reading Comprehension: ☐ Pass ☐ Fail
Conversational Ability: ☐ Pass ☐ Fail
Appropriate Clothing: ☐ Pass ☐ Fail
Respect for Boundaries: ☐ Pass ☐ Fail
Toilet Visible in Profile: ☐ Yes ☐ No
Unsolicited Appendage Photography: ☐ Yes ☐ No
FINAL DISPOSITION:
☐ Approved for preliminary conversation
☐ Additional screening required
☐ Application denied
☐ BLOCKED
Reviewed by: Maggie, Director of Romantic Compliance
OFFICIAL NOTICE FROM THE DIRECTOR:
All applicants must pass a preliminary sniff inspection. Any applicant exhibiting questionable judgment, excessive enthusiasm, or suspicious sweatpants will be escorted from the premises.
Department Motto:
We shouldn’t have to ask. And yet, here we are.
MENOPAUSE & MALARKEY
Dating After 50: Come for the men. Stay for the toilets.
Disclaimer: Premium membership does not include toilet tolerance or penile propositions.
© 2026 Menopause & Malarkey. All rights reserved. All appendages must remain appropriately contained.
