Some relationships begin with a spark.
Others begin with synchronized bathroom schedules.

My upstairs neighbor and I have managed a level of routine and intimacy lacking in some marriages.

• Wake up: 5:00am
• Leave for work: 6:00am
• Arrive home from work: 4:00pm
• Showering: Heard by (often simultaneous) running of water
• Bathroom habits: Not much mystery

Anyone who has ever experienced apartment living knows what I mean. It’s simply part of the deal. Landlord repairs your broken fixtures. You know the lifestyle habits of Unit 250.

But let’s revisit “bathroom habits” for kicks and giggles.

We’ll call this The Sound Barrier Illusion.

Our Queen of Grayson was perched upon her throne contemplating the science of acoustic transmission from ground-floor apartments to second-floor units. Okay, yeah, I was wondering how much my upstairs neighbor can hear. Specifically, from the bathroom.

People, I 👏🏻promise👏🏻 you👏🏻the following is exactly what went down next.

Me: I sure hope he can’t hear when I fart on the toilet.
Me: No, I’m sure he can’t because I’ve never heard him.

5 minutes later: sound of overhead footsteps.

Then, as if summoned by my weird meanderings:

BRRPPPTTT

😳😳😳

I froze. Not because my upstairs neighbor has a digestive system. Not because toilets are basically butt trumpets. 🚽🎺

I froze because if I can hear him then … 🤔😳

However, my last place was less like apartment living and more like a community theater production where everyone accidentally shares the same stage.

I wasn’t hearing noise.

I was hearing:

• hydration levels
• meal plans
• family arguments
• infant sleep regressions
• bathroom acoustics
• culinary experimentation

At that point, I didn’t need to introduce myself.

I already knew too much.

😳

Neighbor:

“Hi, I’m Susan.”

Me:

“Yes. Tuesday is Taco Night. Your son is teething. And you really should call a plumber.”

🤣

My new apartment is downright luxurious by comparison.

The fact that I only hear:

• footsteps
• plumbing
• occasional furniture movement

is anticipated, acceptable apartment noise.

Which is probably why the Great Fart Incident of 2026 was so startling.

I’ve gotten used to a reasonable amount of privacy.

Then suddenly:

BRRPPPTTT

The apartment building:

“Just a reminder that you’re still sharing walls with humans.”

😆

Honestly, I think that’s part of why I love Grayson so much.

It’s not perfect.

No apartment is.

But it gives me enough separation to feel like I have my own life.

I’m not smelling Barry and Joan’s meatloaf.

I’m not involuntarily learning the soundtrack of a toddler’s sleep schedule.

I have my coffee.
My writing nook.
My dogs.
My routines.
My patio.
My peace.

And every now and then:

footsteps overhead

or

“Hey.”

from the upstairs neighbor.

Which is a much more pleasant soundtrack than:

MYSTERY MEAT ODORS

FLUUUUSSSHHHHH

BABY CRYING

But just in case, where can a person buy ceiling soundproofing?

Asking for a friend.

©️2026 Heather Nicole Kight, all rights reserved. Including the right to pass gas not judgment.