satire – Menopause & Malarkey

Some nights, the date-iverse is too much to handle.

Scratch that.

MOST nights of seeking a genuine connection via dating apps in 2025 are uninspired.

I have reached the point where I don’t visit the Kmart clearance rack of poor punctuation and shirtless shenanigans unless I receive a notification. (Hmm, wonder if I can assign an ominous tone to it 🤔) But, I digress.

In four days, my subscription to Chapter 2 (a site specifically for widows and widowers) will expire. I shan’t be renewing. Not that I have anything against the site; I’m just, well, tired.

Four days until the finish line.

Still plenty of time for interested suitors to come a-callin’.

So when a message popped up, I took a gander at his profile.

Scott.
Nice-looking Scott.
Normal-message Scott.
Potentially trustworthy Scott.
But… Utah Scott.

For the love of GPS.

When you’re the emotional support airplane for a woman who keeps getting matched with men 1,600 miles away.

My reply was polite.

“Thank you, but 1,600 miles isn’t conducive to building a relationship.”

His response, also cordial, carried the aroma of snowflakes, cocoa, and Hallmark. ❄️☕️💕

“If two hearts connect, no distance is too far.”

Sir. I am 55 years old. Driving down the street to Kroger is too far. 🚗🤷🏼‍♀️

As humorous as “Men without Maps” can be, the truth is —

It makes me sad. I find myself sitting here contemplating if a long distance friendship could be possible. But then I ask, what if he’s another scammer with a decent grasp of grammar?

That right there — that exact emotional seesaw — is the honest human cost of dating in 2025.

It’s not just frustration.
It’s not just annoyance.
It’s not even the exhaustion of dodging Keith Sweat disciples, and men whose job title is “Boss at Self-Employed.”

It’s the sadness beneath the snark.
That little ache of:

“What if he’s real?”
versus
“What if he’s not?”

Ladies, if you’re rowing in this boat too, listen up:

You’re not soft for thinking it.
You’re not foolish.
You’re not naïve.
You’re human.
You’ve lost real love.
You’ve lived real life.
You know what connection feels like — and how rare it is.

So when someone shows up sounding…
normal,
kind,
respectful,
gentle,
and not shirtless in front of the bathroom mirror …
your heart can’t help but tilt its head a little.

Because part of you wants to believe a good man might still exist — even if he’s 1,600 miles away, even if he’s just a pleasant blip in the algorithmic chaos.

But then?

The reality of dating in 2025 barges in wearing a name tag, shouting:

“SCAMMER! FLUNKED GEOGRAPHY & CARTOGRAPHY! TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE!”

And you’re left in limbo between hope and heartbreak, without ever having met the man.

It’s the quiet sadness of:

“I don’t want to be played. ”

“I don’t want to be disappointed.”

“I don’t want to waste emotional energy.”

“I don’t want to be fooled.”

“But… what if he was just nice?”

It’s the emotional equivalent of standing at the window watching birds —
one might be beautiful,
but at any moment it could squawk, steal your fries, and fly away.

Still…
there’s something tender in you wanting to believe in friendship.
That’s not weakness.
That’s wisdom wearing softness.
That’s a heart with miles on it — but still open enough to feel.

Dear Algorithm,
We Need to Talk.

You and I have been in a relationship for a while now. I give you my clicks, my scrolls, my late-night searches for boots and bookcases. In return, you’re supposed to get to know me.

But lately?
You’ve been getting a little too familiar… and somehow still wildly wrong.

Exhibit A: BBW Cupid

You slid into my feed whispering:
“Looking for a man who will accept you just the way you are?”

*Bless your heart, someone out there will love you!*

Sir.
Ma’am.
Binary-system of baloney.

Why are you talking to me like I just admitted my darkest insecurity into your algorithmic confessional?

You’re not uplifting me.
You’re patting me on the head.

“Oh sweetheart, don’t worry, someone will love you.”

Women don’t need pity served in a stock-photo romance wrapper. We need honesty. We need respect. We need you to stop acting like we’re projects, not people.

Exhibit B: WooPlus Gym-Bro Energy

Then came the lumbering wall of muscle proclaiming:
“Dear plus size girls… You are appreciated by gym bros.”

Appreciated.
APPRECIATED???

Algorithm, be serious.

This man looks like he drinks creatine like communion wine and benches jet skis recreationally. He has never once in his life typed the phrase “plus size.”

But you want me to believe he’s waiting to sweep me off my curvy feet?

No.
Stop it.
Be so for real.

Exhibit C: The Copy-Paste Casanova

This morning — the SAME day I wrote about false advertising — you delivered a message from a man 900 miles away who:

speaks in Victorian run-on sentences
wants to “use me as a model of beauty”
and sounds like ChatGPT’s Renaissance-fair cousin

Even Chapter 2 went:
“We will investigate this and he sounds beyond creepy.”

When the dating site itself is concerned? That’s when you KNOW.

Here’s the part I need you to hear, Algorithm:

These ads… they don’t hurt because I’m lonely.
They don’t land because I’m insecure.
They don’t sting because I think I’m unlovable.

They hurt because they treat plus-size women like we need special permission to hope.

Like we need reassurance.
Like we should be grateful.
Like love is something available —
but only if we accept a pity narrative wrapped in fake empowerment.

You take the most vulnerable demographic — women who have survived loss, divorce, trauma, disappointment — and you sell them a fantasy rooted in condescension, not connection.

You dress it up in Hallmark cinematography:
Thin pretty girl = mean.
Curvy bakery owner = warms the lumberjack’s heart.
Roll credits.

But real life isn’t a Christmas movie.
And curvy women are not consolation prizes.

So listen closely, Algorithm:

I am a plus-size woman.
I know who I am.
I know what I offer.

I don’t need your curated pity campaigns.
I don’t need validation from an ad.
And I certainly don’t need fake “appreciation” from a gym bro.

If a man wants me, he will want me — my mind, my humor, my history, my heart — not because an app “targets” me, but because I’m worth targeting on my own merits.

And so are millions of other women who deserve real love, real honesty, and real dignity.

You don’t get to define our worth.
You don’t get to diagnose our loneliness.
You don’t get to prey on our scars.

So knock it off.
Do better.

Signed,
A woman who is
Too wise for ghosting,
Too tired for games,
And way, WAY too caffeinated for your nonsense today.

— Menopause & Malarkey 🔥💙

What about you?
Have you gotten an ad that made you say, “EXCUSE ME, ALGORITHM??”
Drop it in the comments — this is a safe space, and your stories deserve to be heard (and laughed about).

Tag: satire

Tired Tuesday: The Geographically Challenged

Dear Algorithm, We Need to Talk.